Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, where upon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for all eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind."
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I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving Africans. I told them to forget it!!! Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!!
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First Boy Laughed.
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
First Boy: I saw one strap of your bra.
Teacher: GET OUT of the classroom for 1 week…
Second Boy laughed.
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Second Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT FOR 1 MONTH. She bent down to pick up a piece of chalk. Little Johnny started walking out.
Teacher: Johnny, why are you going out?
Little Johnny: Judging from what I just saw, I think my school days are over!!!!!!
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'